SMS : Stretch Mark Syndrome

Howdy y’all?

 The day before Valentine’s Day in the year 2010 was the final pack of straws on the skin that broke the camel’s back. Haba! First of all, what’s d marra with all these Naija babes of today? I invite you to a

House party – short gown
Night club – short gown
Pool party – short gown
Church – short M4**kn gown!!!

 What happened to bikinis (or swimming trunks sef), Cinderella gowns, skirt suits and the ever reigning jeans and t-shirt? Call me old fashioned, u don’t know the half of it! I don’t mind if you are wearing something you look tyte in; But you are all in a hurry to buy the short and sexy gowns when you should be at the dermatologists, purchasing a year’s supply of stretch mark removers.

I am a true born Naija dude and I know we like our women to have some flesh on them (like we have a choice, when we spend 60 times what our dads paid as bride-price on first dates nowadays). So if you are fat, plump, or ‘plus size’, don’t feel bad – get a Nigerian visa! Lol.

 Okay now, I’ll be straight with you peeps who by now have started mouthing off about how it’s not your fault. I don’t blame anybody for having stretch marks, we’ve all got different skin types. And even I started having some myself when I first started pumping some iron. No, it’s not my fault that my skin is stretching to accommodate more muscle But COVER IT UP!! It’s not your fault that you have them, but it’s so your fault that you are SHOWING them (Ladies!).

         I was at work on the 13th, we threw some Val bash and chics were trooping in. I happened to be at the entry point for a while and I needed a shot of something above 5% (on huge rocks!!) after the ordeal I went through in the hands of the babes. Arms, legs, behind the knees and even on the boobs!! Kai! We gave out goodie bags, but none had turtle-necks in them. We (I) don’t want to see all that... Cover them up – and fast too. I happen to know you don’t even have a sensible boyfriend, so why are your boobs looking like they’ve breastfed 6 children? I no dey pose, na beg I dey beg... If your stretch marks have begun to look like a graph book – short gowns are not for you! They repel us dudes (except those guys who are looking for Milfs).

N.B : If you manage to land a dude who sees ‘em and doznt mind... He’s sure to love you long time.

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