Internal 'Subsidy' Memo (LMAO!!)

TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES

Due to the increase in fuel price, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below.


1. The kitchen and all gantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from me upon submission of written request.


2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed! 


3. Such food items as rice, pounded yam, chicken, fresh fish, cornflakes, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days’ notice, giving justification backed by a qualified dietician's report.


4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.


5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons. There shall be only twelve toilet rolls for the year, that is one (1) per month. 


6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependents shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.


7. No dependent shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.


8. No one is allowed to switch on the Gen for any reason whatsoever; Emergency shall require express permission from me only.


9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in the house, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).


10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more must submit written application in triplicate and give two months’ notice, with an endorsement from their Village Head or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes / hotels.


THESE RULES ARE BINDING with immediate effect AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!


Signed: HEAD OF THE FAMILY.

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